It still hurts. Time has not healed this one. What would it have been like if your heart kept beating. I would have been 7 months now I still remember when Chris first told me he wanted to get a pregnancy test. We were playing tennis. I was exhausted after one game and said let’s take a break. He said that’s weird I’ve been acting strange. I get of work and go strait to bed… I can’t even play more than one round of tennis . he said I think ur pregnant. I was shocked. It hadn’t even come across my mind that I could have been. We went to yokes to buy a test. I stayed in the car because I was too embarrassed. He had bought 2 tests just to be sure. We went home to his mother’s house and went to the bathroom and took it. They were both positive…..holly shit. I’m pregnant. Later than night Chris told his mom. Again I was to embarrassed. I was in bed while he did it. His mom came strait into my room after he told her and hugged me. She wasn’t mad. She just loved me…. We went to the docs the next day and I was already 2 months along. He gave me a bunch of baby books and pamflets. We were getting exited. Past the shocked stage. Chris’s best friends dad even told his how grate of a dad he would be and he came home and cried because he was so happy . we even told our friends and family’s after a few more weeks. Eventually I became very sick puking at work and could barely stand without feeling sick..I thought this was probably normal. The next apt we went to Jackie and mom and Chris’s mom came. We were gunna hear the heartbeat. He did an ultra sound and than asked me family to leave except me and Chris I wasn’t sure what was happening . he than said the heartbeat had stopped and I should have a D&C sergery asap to have it removed . WD went out to the waiting room where our moms were waiting exitedly and I broke down in tears at the site of there faces…. It was unreal.. Chris cried in the car. Its the next day and its time for the sergery. The doc came in and said so ur having an abortoin and I started crying…no…hell no why would u say that??!! After I woke up from the sergery I cried the whole way home. Just the other day I had a baby growing under my heart. Inside me. A part of me. What would he or she have been like…. It was an experience like no other. It has changed me forever. And to this day I cry when people talk about it. That’s why I don’t talk about it. I even cried writing this. Nothing can replace that one innocent baby whose heart stopped beating as mine kept going. What really sucked to was that after I had the sergery my body hadn’t realized I had no baby. So my boobs kept growing. And even leaked milk. It was like getting salt in a cut. The cut already hurts..and now it just stings so bad ….
Days like these are my favorite . last night he cooked me dinner and we drank a few beers. Snuggles on the couch with a movie witch turned into sensual touching . he is my best friend my soul mate . this morning we slept till noon got up and made coffee I did my work out video in my underwear in the living room and he played his drums in the basement. I went running. And when I returned he was playing beats in the surround sound rapping. As I walked in he grabbed my hands and we danced together in the living room. Just us with loud wordless music it was perfect…
I want to live simply. I want to sit by the window when it rains and read books I’ll never be tested on. I want to paint because I want to, not because I’ve got something to prove. I want to listen to my body, fall asleep when the moon is high and wake up slowly, with no place to rush off to. I want not to be governed by money or clocks or any of the artificial restraints that humanity imposes on itself. I just want to be, boundless and infinite.